Acting

Do you ever feel like when you are with certain people that you are the best and worst version of yourself at the same time? (Isn't this close to a quote from a movie?) ..but seriously....when you are with this person you feel good....feel like you are a good person....feel like there is value to who you are, and that you have something that you can give back....but you also know that the friendship is probably fleeting....not going to last....just not quite there yet....and so....you don't know whether it is better to run, or stay....you know you should let go.....and you do let go....and you wonder....and wonder....and wonder....I guess this is what life is about....not always whether we make the right decisions, but are able to live with the decisions we've made and make the most of what has been given to us.

I wish my life wasn't about having to act like I am feeling something other than I am. I mean a lot of it isn't. I tell most people how it is about most things....but there is that little part that is reserved for me. That little part that I tell no one. Partly because of what it would mean to others if and when I talk, and partly because I know that what I feel is sometimes ridiculous.....if I wasn't such a mother theresa who always feels she needs to be the strong one for others....the protector....the protector of hearts, the protector of secrets...maybe i would have been married long ago if I just would play the part of the heroine, instead of the hero. Vulnerabilty has never been my strong suit. Although the more I tell you....the more I share my life with you, .....both in writing and in person....the more I begin to understand...the more i feel confident in revealing to you. The fact is....I cannot be the hero...even if I wanted to be. As Clementine says.."I am just a f'd up girl looking for my own peace of mind." All I can be is weak. And in that weakness....we can both become strong.