Am I there yet?

If you can't let people into your life to the point where they have the ability to hurt you then you are not letting them in. I have trouble with this myself. I think I am getting better, but I have been accused more than once of being non-emotional/indifferent/phlegmatic. I used to think there was something very noble about being able to give to my friends-you know, be there for them, and yet me not counting on them to be there for me. If they weren't there I wasn't hurt because I didn't count on them in the first place. But the fact is, because I didn't count on them, I didn't LET them be there for me-to give-to let God use them as a way to fufill my needs, and thereby fulfilling God's purpose and their purpose. How can one ever learn to love if they can't learn to depend on someone? I mean, we all know we are human..we are going to let each other down-and we can even accept that fact, and understand it, and forgive someone for lettings us down because we know that everyone is flawed,but if we haven't given our heart enough to be hurt by it, I wonder if we have given ourselves at all. We have perhaps given our time, our help, our talents, but OURSELVES? It is a question that I am grappling with. Love is letting someone know enough about you that they could hurt you if they wanted to, and yet they don't. They know what you get excited about, what you get sentimental about, they know all the buttons to push-both the good ones, and the bad ones. They could hurt you by revealing your secrets, but they don't. They could hurt you by their absence. They can also give you joy by their presence, or by recognizing what makes you happy--by them considering you in their decisions, and by wanting to be associated with you--wanting you to be with them. If you do not let them in enough to know your world or what makes you happy..and I mean more than just Breakfast at Tiffany's, or video games, or things,but the little things..you know, that you like smiles, and pink pens, and the sitting beside the water, and looking at sunsets, and mornings, and swimming, and soft music,...then you may not have the hurt,but you also won't have the joy. I know there are different people in the world who react differently to things. It reminds me of my favorite children's story--Anne of Green Gables(if there are any men out there,bear with me.)

Marilla Cuthbert: You set your heart too much on frivolous things and then crash down into despair when you don't get them.
Anne Shirley: I know. I can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. It's as glorious as soaring through a sunset... almost pays for the thud.
Marilla Cuthbert: Well, maybe it does. But I'd rather walk calmly along and do without flying AND thud.


That is why love is so risky. Whether it is with friends, or your spouse, or whomever. You have to be careful with whom you give your heart, but at the same time give and receive freely. There are all different levels of giving and receiving, and receiving and giving ( Joey Friends reference here), but I am afraid if you don't have any of these kind of people in your life who can make you feel intensely, then I wonder if you are open. This is a lesson I have been learning this year. I am not the most open person in the world, but I think I am learning how to be more open, and through that process I am becoming somewhat more emotional. I don't think emotions should guide you through everything. They shouldn't be a barometer of truth, and they can cloud your vision to what reality in a situation is, but I personally would much rather have clouded vision occasionally, and also learn how to love someone intensely and fully, than to spend my life wondering what love is because I have never experienced it. C.S. Lewis once said that you can experience life, or you can observe it. You can't do both at the same time. To observe it, you have to stand outside of it in order to understand it, and then you are no longer experiencing. I have spent a huge amount of my life observing life, and trying to logically understand it. Understand it through books, and through writing, and through studying, and watching. I am tired of observing. I want to live and experience it. I want to FEEL. I want to experience both the flying and the thud. I care less and less about what other people think of me (I still care..but I care less).and want to express delight over the rabbits running around lake hefner, and sorrow about the child who doesn't have enough money to eat. I want to tell those I love how important they are to me. I want them to know that I NEED them. Not just that I enjoy their company, but that I NEED them, and that I LOVE them. That when and if they leave my life, it creates a hole. They affect me and my life. They are missed. I want people to know that I am tired, sad, frustrated, happy, excited, in love, out of love, lonely. I want to experience all of these emotions. Are they truth? Maybe not all of the time. Do I believe God loves me, even when I don't FEEL like he does? I know with my mind that he does, but I also want to admit to myself and to God, and to others when I am not feeling that it is true.

I want to be as open as I can, so that I can experience life to its fullest. Have that abundant life that God calls us to. Am I there yet? No. But I am moving in that direction. Learning how to feel, embrace, and be a glorious woman of God.