well...

my pastor died last thursday night. No, not my pastor NOW. But the man who I basically knew as my pastor for the first fourteen years of my life. The man who baptized me when I was 7. Who (outside of my parents) prayed with me those first prayers of faith. Who helped me to understand and know who God was, and is. Because of people like him, and like my parents, I learned that God was loving, kind, and good. I remember when I was little...asking questions....going to my mother's bedroom, and mom telling me about Jesus, and what he did for me. I remember the joy that flooded my heart that night. Grateful even now for that joyful, bubbly spirit that God gifted me with... I remember running into the living room where my brother was, and jumping up and down on the couches...that little girl of seven with her pageboy haircut, and button nose, and singing as I bounded about the living room...."Good News, Good News, Christ died for me!" The next Wednesday I visited this same pastor. He asked me questions to see if I understood and knew what I was doing...understood sin, and understood who Jesus and God were..and then he prayed with me. I remember the next sunday...going before the church, and making a public confession of my faith...I, who always sat on the back row of church with my dad, made him sit on the second row with me so that I would not have to walk the entire church to get to the front....nervous to do this in front of all of these adults. That night I was baptized. I even remember wearing little green pants, and a little green shirt....I remember going under the water, and thinking I didn't hold my hands over my face right, and sputtering as I got back out of the water...remember going back into the service with my dry clothes, and wet hair.
This pastor gave me my first definition of what a pastor was and should be. His funeral was yesterday. I didn't go. Somehow I couldn't. I gave my excuses....my eye doctor, my eyes dilated, etc. But really....somehow it was just hard. I don't think I deal well with death.